DEVIL WORSHIP
Why Damien's Day is bunk
By Geifodd ap Pwyll

This Satanic sermon was finished right at the stroke of Witching Hour on June 6, 2006.

Everybody is going crazy because of the fact that today is the sixth day of the sixth month of the "sixth" year of the new millennium.

Bible thumpers and doomsday prophets are all freaking out about the Antichrist and comets hitting the Earth. Catholics are spreading warnings about how all Satanists everywhere are planning to steal their wine and communion wafers to blaspheme the Eucharist. And Twentieth Century Fox studios is releasing a remake of the 1976 "Satanic" thriller, The Omen on this very date. Thanks to all this, the date of 6/6/06 has been successfully steam-pressed onto the frontal lobes of two-legged animals all across the North American continent.

But what is the real significance of this date to Satanists, if any? What will Devil worshipers be doing to celebrate, if anything?

Well I can tell you right now, I'll be performing the single most blasphemous Satanic ritual of them all. I'll be transgressing against the god of Abraham like no other person has ever done before. I'll be making the ultimate sacrifice, and performing the most degenerate and degraded offense against nature that anyone could possibly do in the name of my Master, the Dark Lord Satan.

That's right. I'm going to watch Pee-Wee's Big Adventure and listen to Elton John. I can hear all the headbangers screaming now! How beautiful it sounds. And if I'm feeling especially evil, I just might sacrifice a Double Quarter Pounder from McDonald's over my altar, the kitchen table. And I'll have extra cheese on it, too! MUAH HAH HAH!

Seriously though. As a Devil worshiper, I take all this crapola about 6/6/06 just as seriously as I take President Dubya's old speech about "nukular weapons." While the number 666 is an interesting symbol that appears on many of my favorite horror movie and heavy metal album covers, it doesn't have any special meaning for me. I don't believe the world's going to end, and I really wouldn't want it to anyway.

Last I checked, the only people with a hard-on for Armageddon are the crazy televangelists running our government. We Devil folk enjoy the Earth and its pleasures far too much to want some kind of nuclear holocaust to happen. That would put an end to all our Witches' Sabbats real quick!

And to me, it just doesn't make any friggin' sense for a Devil worshiper to believe in the Antichrist. Why in Hell would the Prince of Darkness need to have a "son" anyway? That's not even a biblical idea really, that's just an idea we've inherited from Rosemary's Baby and The Omen. And I have to admit that I don't really like either of these films.

Rosemary has never made much sense to me because I just don't see why the Dark Lord would need to rape a poor Catholic girl in order to sire His son. I mean, come on! There are plenty of Devil worshiping women out there. I'm sure if Lucifer just asked them nicely, a few of 'em would be more than willing to bear Him some chilluns. There's no need for raping Catholic women when there's plenty of women who'd probably have sex with the Ol' Goat willingly!

And The Omen just makes me want to travel back to 1976 in a TARDIS and slap the shit out of Gregory Peck. He's one of my favorite actors, and I can't believe he even gave David Seltzer the time of day on that one. I don't like movies about babies being killed by "Satanists." I'm sorry, but anyone who hurts a child does not deserve to be associated with His Infernal Majesty. Hurting children is something Jehovah commanded the Israelites to do in the Old Testament (Numbers 31:7-18):

"They fought against Midian, as the LORD commanded Moses, and killed every man. Among their victims were Evi, Rekem, Zur, Hur and Reba—the five kings of Midian. They also killed Balaam son of Beor with the sword. The Israelites captured the Midianite women and children and took all the Midianite herds, flocks and goods as plunder. They burned all the towns where the Midianites had settled, as well as all their camps. They took all the plunder and spoils, including the people and animals, and brought the captives, spoils and plunder to Moses and Eleazar the priest and the Israelite assembly at their camp on the plains of Moab, by the Jordan across from Jericho.

"Moses, Eleazar the priest and all the leaders of the community went to meet them outside the camp. Moses was angry with the officers of the army—the commanders of thousands and commanders of hundreds—who returned from the battle.

"Have you allowed all the women to live?" he asked them. "They were the ones who followed Balaam's advice and were the means of turning the Israelites away from the LORD in what happened at Peor, so that a plague struck the LORD's people. Now kill all the boys. And kill every woman who has slept with a man, but save for yourselves every girl who has never slept with a man."

If the Devil is truly the opposite of Jehovah as most people say, then any Devil worshiper who's worth their salt will be utterly opposed to the idea of hurting children, especially in the name of religion. So David Seltzer can shove The Omen up his tight Hollywood ass as far as I'm concerned.

Anybody who knows anything about the Bible will know that this Antichrist fella is not supposed to be the literal "son of Satan" anyway. The "antichrist" is simply described as a spiritual force that works contrary to the "Holy Spirit." Just as the "Holy Spirit" supposedly guides people to believe in Jehovah, the "antichrist" supposedly guides them to renounce the divinity of Christ. Hence why it's called anti-Christ.

It's further claimed that the spirit of the antichrist will have a human representative, a "high priest" of sorts, who will finalize the world's "rebellion" against Christ. This person is never described as being some sort of horror movie monster that's born of a jackal. In the Bible, the "Beast" of Revelation is really something more like the Roman emperor Nero. In fact, many New Testament scholars and Christian preterists believe that the Beast is Nero. And some translations of Revelation have his "number" as 616, rather than 666.

Nero was a nasty guy who tortured Christians and killed them. He even murdered his own mother, or so the story goes. If you read Bernard McGinn's Antichrist: 2000 Years of the Human Fascination with Evil, you'll find that many of the early Christians believed that Nero's death was faked, or that he was going to come back from the dead to continue torturing them. His "resurrection" would soon be followed by the second coming of Christ, and then all the sinners would be thrown into a lake of fire and the world would be "made right." It's from these early Christian beliefs that the book of Revelation was born.

But obviously Nero never did crawl out of his crypt, and Jesus still hasn't been detected by any of our satellites. Sorry John boy, we couldn't give you your apocalypse on time. Would you like a refund?

As a Devil worshiper, I get people asking me who the Antichrist is all the time. And every time, I tell them I don't believe in any silly Antichrist. And every time, they say, "Good one! But seriously, who is he?"

And then images of whopping them upside their heads with a fire extinguisher start flashing through my head.

Seriously, I don't believe in any Antichrist. The Dark Lord does not need to have a "son" or possess a human body in order to take over the world. The only reason He could possibly have for appearing in human form would be to have everyone in the world worship Him. And that simply doesn't make sense to me, because I don't believe the Prince of Darkness is interested in being worshiped by multitudes of human sheep. He's just not the shepherd type. He's more like a crazy anarchist who pokes and prods human beings to be wild and uncontrollable. I think He snorts at the idea of hierarchal power structures, personally.

Why would Satanists need to believe in an Antichrist anyway? Would it be so they can have some kind of "Satanic messiah" to look forward to? Where's the sense in that? Any sensible Satanist knows that if we want to improve our lives and save the world, we have to accomplish these things for ourselves. If the Devil just stepped in and "made everything all better again," we wouldn't learn anything and we'd just be sheep. And again, He's no shepherd, He's a libertine. Messianism is something that shepherd gods teach, not something that chaos gods teach!

No, we Devil folk have no real use for such bullhockey and bananas. And since nobody's really sure if the number 666 is really "the number of the Beast" or not, then that's worth a fat load of good to us too. In fact, this isn't really the "sixth" year of the millennium if you think about it. The millennium officially began with 2001, not with 2000.

(Twentieth Century Fox got it all wrong. The Antichrist will really be born on June 6, 2007!)

So all you doomsayers and Bible thumpers out there, take a valium. All you anti-Satanist Catholics, just wipe your bums with some Preparation H already. We Devil folk will be far too busy paying our bills, doing the laundry, washing the dishes, and feeding our children to bother you very much. We've got lives too, you know. Have fun celebrating Damien's Day without us.

And to all my fellow Devil worshipers out there: don't let yourselves be discouraged by these crazy scaremongers. Just remember that if you have the Mark, you are part of something truly wonderful that nobody can take away from you. May the Dark Lord Set watch over all of you and your loved ones, and may you all be blessed on this day!

Sermon #9: Our Father, who art in Hell
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